MrSing is my name, not updating for weeks is my game. A few stories can be found inside.
Yuri is living his life in a secluded part of the Moscow metro. That is, until tragedy strikes a neighboring station and Yuri and his friends are forced to undertake a journey through the dangerous metro system.
In Equestria a lone changeling scout is starving in a cold forest and is getting desperate to find a new source of love to help her hive survive.
Friendship can be formed out of necessity. Morals can be bent in the name of survival.
(Proofread by Kalash93)
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Interesting. This could go either way. So don't mess up even if I like this idea
1769555
Thanks, I'll try to do my best.
Could you say what you like about the idea and what I should prevent?
I've got the story kind of worked out in my head, but I'm willing to take suggestions if you have any.
Minor question, is the changeling a girl or a boy?
Because it it's a boy I can power up my magnificent and dirty mind and do some inside clop.
If it's a girl I can slam my head on my desk and wait for the inevitable shipping.
There are some small grammar errors like i and sometimes you forget a an apostrophe.
Full review in about 17-18 hours as I need to go to sleep and go to school.
1771396
The changeling is a female.
It's my personal headcanon that the vast majority of the changelings are infertile female drones. With Queen Chrysalis being the only one capable of reproduction with the few changelings males that are always kept secure in the hive.
You don't need to worry about shipping though. Romance doesn't mean much for the changeling unless it's a source of power and I promise you that there will be no shipping in this fic.
I have to say that I would greatly appreciate it if you pointed out the inevitable errors the grammar and spelling have. This is actually my very first story and English isn't my first language, so I can use all the help I can get.
Nice setup, can't wait to see how the two worlds meet
1771697
Well, MrSing. I can tell you, you did not fall into the trap of so many other people releasing their first fic, which is stating "hai guise, it's my first fic" in the description.
Your writing is pretty good; not once was I distracted by the way you decided to phrase something. immersive and descriptive language. The dialogue felt natural.
I can't really comment on the actual story yet since there is not a lot of it, but I can say that this has intrigued me, and I shall eagerly be awaiting more. Got any update schedule?
1777326
Thanks for the encouraging words. I was kind of afraid that the changeling chapter would be a bit too much of an exposition dump, so I'm glad that it didn't bother you.
I hope to upload the next chapter this weekend, but it all depends on how busy I'll be. I've gotten some of it written out already and I have a good idea of what it'll be like though. So I'll probably make the "dead line".
i honestly doubt that the changling is going to find much love in the metro.
1779274 Hey, the humies might be a bit on the rough side, but there's nothing like RUSSIAN LOVE. Oh, goodness, did I just make a joke about my nationality? Anyways. I look forward to continuation and such.
1780595 meh, i make Swed jokes.
I like it. Has that unique “things are undoubtedly tribal but I’m still alive and that somehow makes things better” feel to it.
Can't wait for more!
Best of luck.
1805282
Glad to hear it! I was kind of going for that feeling.
I hope to post some more next weekend, but I can't make any promises.
I would have posted some criticism but then the guy after basically said it.
But I am here for this chapter, and several more.
Aaaanyway, the thing I am iffy about is that you don't name the stations, just the positions they are. While this may look like a small thing to you, it really isn't. I visited the real metro and seen almost everything in there. Well what I could have seen while looking out the window and in stations. Which wasn't that much. Derailing here.
If you don't know what the stations are called, just look at the wiki there is bound to be a detailed map.
And...that's pretty much it actually. Your spelling and formatting is very good AND your chapters have nice lenght.
So I guess only questions remain.
1) What kind of time line is this running on? Before or after Artyom saves the Dark ones?
Im writing "saves" because if you picked the other ending and thought that it was the right one then you are a shining diamond twat and deserve to be slapped. No really.
2) Will we ever see or hear about Artyom? I am asking because he is such a badass that even I have to admire him.
So our finish comment:
Keep this up! There aren't much metro fics, except My Little Metro which I will never read because I despise ponies and wish them all death
1820598
Thanks for sticking around and commenting!
Good eye on seeing that the stations are only named after their position relative to Yuri’s home. The funny thing is that this is actually on purpose and I am going to address it in the coming chapter or the one after that.
I have the real and the Metro 2033 universe maps of the Moscow metro in my research map, but I’m still a bit wary of what station I should choose, if any at all. I have never been to Moscow myself, so I’m afraid that my description of the city and environment will not be 100% accurate.
To answer both of your questions, this is placed a few days after Artyom killed the dark ones, but I will take some liberties with the timeline. I will not really mention Artyom, maybe only in passing, as news only slowly and unreliably gets around in the metro.
I’m sad to hear that you won’t read My Little Metro. It really is an excellent fic and far superior to mine, in my personal opinion. But to each his own.
Fun fact: I was originally planning to write this with Artyom as the main character, but I had trouble with which version of him I should chose. The one before killing the Dark Ones, or the one after that. Then I realized that Artyom was pretty much a completely finished character. His growth from a naïve clumsy young man, to a more experienced and strong character, to a completely broken and disillusioned man is quite beautiful in a sad way. It didn’t feel right to take him away from his own story, so I decided to begin with a fresh new character that does share a lot of things with the pre-‘Dark Ones’ Artyom.
1821057
*slaps you*
Twat
Unless you are going to make connection to Last Light.
But really what does everyone have againts the Dark Ones? I can understand if you are a xenophobic but seriously?
They made your friends see kittens everywhere? Well boo-effin-hoo, they got nuked and the only way they can communicate is trough injury, which is even more tragic. AND they wanted peace. They aren't the same anymore, they want peace.
Also, despite the fact that their kind is being killed with bad reasons, they still trusted the humans by choosing Artyom as their chosen one. And what does he do?
UTTER GENOCIDE.
FATALITY
I'm out.
By the way if you were offended please take your rage out on the sub actors of The Big Bang
1821098
Also, are you going for the ending from the book or the game?
Since in the book, they described Artyom as 'an angel descending the skies in a chariot' or something
1821098
I'm just following the canon of the book, man.
One of the things that was lost in translation in the game was Hunter’s quote that he says to Artyom in the beginning. He says: “If it’s hostile, kill it.” While the correct translation was: “If it’s dangerous, kill it.”
The whole point of the book (and I would argue that this also counts for the game) is that mankind killed itself and its only chance at retaking the surface, namely the helpful Dark Ones, because they were consumed by fear of what others could do to them. They ignored that if something has the capacity to hurt someone that doesn’t mean that that thing is bad by default.
Remember Khan’s little speech about the anomalies and how they aren’t evil, just strange.
I personally saved the Dark Ones in the game, but that’s not what the book did. The real message of the game and book is to warn mankind not to succumb to its fears. Instead we should act with more understanding and kindness to each other and not lose what makes us human in the face of fear.
1821116
The book, but I'm not really going to focus on Artyom. His story is already completed in my eyes and I can't really add anything interesting or meaningful to it.
Hello there! IncoherentOrange of WRITE at your service, MrSing.
The first thing I'm going to say is that I love Metro. I loved the book, loved the game, and I wish 2034 was available in English. So I have a feeling this'll be right up my alley.
The second thing I am going to say is that the description looks a-okay, except for this part:
The second scout doesn't seem necessary. You could replace "the scout" with "is" and I think it'd be better.
Now, on to the actual story.
From the first paragraph, there becomes evident a lack of commas within the story. A tried and true strategy for fixing comma placement is reading your work aloud. Be mindful of it. It's not a major error, but it can be a bit distracting to readers if there are too many or not enough commas in a story. Balance is key! Also, a spelling error:
Out if? That doesn't look right. Again, look out for those, and a careful reading out loud can help with that. (You can tell how much I advocate that process, can't you?) Thoughts needn't be in regular quotes. Either they should be in italics and/or single quotes, as the full quotes are used for dialogue purposes only in a story.
Oh, yeah, on to the story itself...
Hah, those rats... looks good so far. But I must stop to note something about proper nouns. 'Hive' and 'Queen' are not proper nouns in this context. 'Queen' is only a proper noun when attached as a title, or when used referring to someone holding the title. For example...
'Hive,' however, is a regular noun unless, again, it is part of a title. Keep an eye on those proper nouns, too. Species names are also not proper nouns. When in dialogue, remember when to use commas and when to use periods. In this particular case:
Should be:
The story's writing is good, and its pacing is also nice. It has me wondering what will happen next, which is a good sign! I'll be following along.
~IncoherentOrange, WRITE's Rambling Citrus
1823015
Thanks for the review and tips! They were very insightful and helpful.
I’ll be sure to go back and fix those errors as soon as I’ve finished chapter three and I’ll certainly try out your advice about reading my story out loud to spot errors and find out where commas belong.
I did know that ‘queen’, ‘hive’, and ‘sisters’ shouldn’t be capitalized in these instances, but I thought that I could use it as a subtle way to show how important these concepts are to the changeling. Maybe I was wrong about that.
Anyway, I’m glad that you enjoyed the story and decided to stick around. I’ll try to follow your advice as best as I can.
Interesting. Both protagonists are going insane. Sort of
NIce story so far. I am definitely liking the metro portions more. One thing that I've noticed is that it is slightly jarring to have more than one character voiced in first person.
Sooooo... when do they meet?
1869632
I'll admit that I kind of rushed the changeling's chapters, so they are not as good as the metro chapters. I promise that the little changeling will get her chance to shine as soon as she meets Yuri.
I plan to make them meet in the chapter after the next chapter, originally I wanted to make them meet after three chapters, but the metro demands more time to be build up.
1869940
Got it. Just be warned that the metro sections are starting to get sloppy. I'd daresay that they are starting to feel a tad too quick and disjointed. In comparison, the changeling sections feel pointless and slow. I've found myself rabidly devouring Yuri's tale, but skimming over the changeling's tale. And what is her name? It is easier to grow attached to a character if they have a name. I find myself struggling to connect with her. It is difficult to grow a character and their personality if they are all alone, even from the first person perspective.
Nevertheless, I still like the story and intend to keep on reading it in the future. I am enjoying it very much, but I feel compelled to point out its flaws so that it can be improved. I quite like what you are doing, but please get the plot moving. You're halfway to a decent length novel and still nothing much has happened. The fic is still quite good and I see no glaring problems. It's not like most fics that I read where my main reaction is to internally plead for the nearest sentient being to fetch me an extra large bottle of rye whiskey. Keep up the good work!
What is your native language? Your English is very good. Does somepony help you with translation?
1870012
Thank you for your constructive criticism. I really appreciate it when someone gives me their honest opinion and suggests how I might improve my work!
I agree completely with what you said about the metro parts becoming sloppy and the changeling parts being rather pointless. I first had planned to bring them together sooner. At this point I wanted to start developing the changeling’s character more and show who she was by making her interact with Yuri. Unfortunately the metro parts took way longer than I had anticipated, so now I find myself rushing the metro and creating pointless filler for the changeling.
I’m going to focus mostly on finally getting Yuri and the changeling together in the next chapter, so that I can stop the filler and get the story flowing nicely again. That probably means that there will be almost no changeling in the next story and a rather large chapter with mostly Yuri and the guys.
Also, the changeling will get a name soon, but I’m kind of keeping it a secret for now, since it will have an impact on the world building I’m trying to do.
In retrospect it would probably have been better if I had written this in the third person. I’ll take that as a learning moment for my future fics and will just try to make the best of it with this fic. At least the first person perspective makes it possible to do some crazy things with the protagonists’ worldviews and make it ambiguous if what they see is real or not.
My native language is Dutch, but I’ve been reading English for years now. So I’m glad that you think I’m good at it.
I currently don’t have an editor or anything. Just my trusty old spell checker and an online thesaurus.
I'll try my best to improve my fic with what you said and I hope that my story will keep you entertained.
Really looking forward to how yuri reacts to there being other creatures than nosalises and the standard metro monsters.
I'm very curious about how the changeling will be introduced.
Awesome !
But... What's the crossover in it? It's like two different stories
I saw the words "Yuri" and "Crossover" and my first thought was "I know what you have done Yuri. I know what you have told them. My friend, my ally, my betrayer." I should probably feel bad about that.
This story is just so good. Just please don't stop what you're doing.
1943606
Quite frankly it looks like the crossover will commence next chapter.
Taking a while to spin up this story. I'm tempted to tell you to...
samuelrunge.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/get-on-with-it.png
Seriously though, keep up the good work! It may not be fast but it's good quality.
1944572
Thanks, I'm really glad that people are actually enjoying this, and it means a lot to me to see comments like this.
1943835
What? My story was a Modern Warfare 3 crossover this entire time!?
Why am I always the last one to hear these things!?
1943606>>1944579
Yup, Joey8225 is right. So I hope that you like reading 23653 words of build up.
But seriously. The one thing in most HiE stories that I personally missed is that the family, friends, and world that the protagonist leaves behind are often only talked about in brief moments. I find it hard to build up an emotional connection with the protagonist if I don't know the world they left behind.
One of the things I want to do with my story is to give Yuri a "living" world that he wants to return to. A world that exists independent of his own memories and where he knows that stuff is still happening, even if he isn't there.
1944801
Never fear! Only twenty more chapters and I will be halfway to the start of the prologue!
But yeah, sometimes this story really has the pacing of an eel on a Slip 'n Slide.
If the Slip 'n Slide was covered in glue.
And the eel was actually made out of sand paper.
But don't worry, in the next chapter the story will finally begin for real!
1947064 No worries, the waiting itches but I’m sure it’ll be worth it.
Though you may want to work on those metaphors…
I see what you did with the recollection of the beginning, you used the live action trailer for last light.
Well done
1980512
Nice catch, though I feel a little bad that I copied that trailer so much.
I couldn't help myself. I just loved the atmosphere of that trailer way too much.
Sorry for taking FOREVER
to read this one. This was a great chapter. I have to say that I don't think Stephan is a Russian name. Stepan is a Russian name. I guess you'll be starting with the crossover next chapter. There really isn't much to say. It's pretty damn good. Have you considered submitting to Equestria Daily? I also think that it would be awesome if you took all the humans in Yuri's group and put them in Equestria. Seriously, imagine a bunch of hardass Russian guys with Kalashes, bronezhilets, and gas masks going around Equestria talking like Uncle Bourbon 
. I'd have all of them, not just Yuri, brought into Equestria. I can't remember seeing any fics where a bunch of humans accidentally end up in Equestria. It's either always just one invididual or a lot of guys find Equestria after looking for it. I think it would be fascinating to see how your current cast of characters would end up functioning in an idyllic alien environment. Please do consider it.
2008061
, thanks for the catch!
Woops, I guess that I have some editing to do
Thanks for the praise, but I really don't think that my fic is good enough for EQD. They can be quite picky about what they let on their site. Especially when it comes to HiE.
Sorry, but the story that I have planned wouldn't work if the rest of the guys had gone with Yuri to Equestria, and I had already written over half of the chapter before I read your comment. Though I do have to admit that I would have liked to write them in in retrospect.
When I first started, I planned everything around Yuri and the changeling, but when the crossover part started to take so long, I also started to develop the personalities of Sergei, Stepan and Sasha (can you tell that I like the letter S?) much more than I had originally planned.
I'm going to miss those guys, but maybe they'll return later in the story, or maybe not.
HOLY SHIT!!!!!! I've read metro 2033 loads of times! The moment I saw this, it went straight in my favourites. Outside MLP, it's easily my all time favourite story! Will read later!
You're doing damn good.
Haven't noticed any particularly glaring errors.
Keep up the good work, hope to see more from you
MOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR
2020136
Having the others in Equestria won't be a problem if they never directly meet with Yuri...
I hate to ask this, but would you mind giving my writing a look?
2020136 Speaking of editing, you seem to be confusing off with of, and you are also missing periods in some places. Reread your fist couple of chapters out loud, and I think you'll spot your confusions. By the way, this is interesting... But, it can be better without typos, yes?
2023932
I can't believe I forgot to add periods, I can be such a klutz sometimes. I'll reread the first chapters again, thanks for telling me.
I'm a bit embarrassed, but could you maybe explain me the difference between of and off? I've searched the web for an explanation, but what I found was very vague.
2022505
Sure! Just send me a PM and I'll take a look.
2024691 Certainly! Here are some definitions:
off: so as to be separated from support <rolled to the edge of the table and off> or close contact <blew the lid off> <the handle came off>
so as to be divided <surface marked off into squares>
to a state of discontinuance or suspension <shut off an engine>
in absence from or suspension of regular work or service <take time off for lunch>
of: used as a function word to indicate a point of reckoning <north of the lake>
used as a function word to indicate origin or derivation <a man of noble birth>
used as a function word to indicate the cause, motive, or reason <died of flu>
on the part of <very kind of you>
used as a function word to indicate the component material, parts, or elements or the contents <throne of gold> <cup of water>
used as a function word to indicate the whole that includes the part denoted by the preceding word <most of the army>
used as a function word to indicate a whole or quantity from which a part is removed or expended <gave of his time>
used as a function word to indicate belonging or a possessive relationship <king of England>
etc, etc. Go on merriamwebster, they got your definitions.
Haha those little baby changelings calling us prey. Kill it and I will return
Chapter 5 Review
I just got done. Now that the crossover has finally started, I have to say that it has been worth the wait.
The most interesting thing I notice is that Yuri and Changeling do not speak the same language. That's something that fanfic writers almost never cover. Nice going with "dozor". Yes, I know a little bit of Russian. I had never thought about just how radically different Equestria would be from Metro. This being a world where Bronies never existed, Yuri is in a completely alien land. The changeling is remaining predatory and using Yuri as a tool. I really would like to see how Yuri adapts to Equestria. Assuming he ever ends up meeting pones, how would he handle the Equestrian lifestyle? I definitely found that the switches in perspective, where Yuri would narrate one part of the story and the Changeling narrated another, to be a very interesting way of keeping the story moving. It certainly kept the chapter from stagnating, which has been a recurring issue in this story. I eagerly awaiting your next installment, whenever you are ready to give it to us.
I couldn't find anything too substantial to complain about in this chapter. You made the usual occasional spelling and grammar mistakes, but your grammar is solid enough to make them almost negligible. Alright, there is the matter of the first person perspective and the frequent flips. I think that you shouldn't have it happen quite so frequently when there's nothing going on. At least you were nice enough to include section breaks instead of just assuming that we'd instinctively know when the narrator has changed. I advise that you either make the perspective changes less frequent, or that you only have them occur when it would be meaningful to do so. Alternatively, you could maintain your even split between Changeling and Yuri, but combine the short segments into longer sections, which would do wonders for the fact that perspective shifts, especially frequent ones, wreck mood and pacing. You can keep them, but don't change perspective just because you can.
There is just one question I have for you. May I borrow Sasha, Sergei, and Stepan for use in my own stories. That is, assuming that you're finished with them.
This chapter gets 4/5 flutteryays.
2054266
Thanks for the compliments and even a bigger thanks for the advice!
I do plan for Yuri to eventually meet some ponies, but maybe not in the way that you would expect. And Yuri still has a lot to discover about the strange new world around him. And the changelings and other creatures of Equestria will learn a lot about him and the metro.
Also, I'm glad that someone got what the Dozor's name means.
I will try to tone the changes in perspective down a lot in the future chapters and keep out an eye for my mistakes. Thanks for the advice, I already know someone who might be willing to proofread this. So I'll try that to weed out the errors that I made. English can be confuzling sometimes
As for your question, you are free to use them in your own stories if you really want to. I'm kind of curious about what you would do with them.
Still I do advice you that it might be better to create your own characters, or just base them on mine. It is much less constraining for you if you write your own characters. Besides, half the fun of using OCs is that you can see your original concepts and ideas about your characters grown into their own persons. Yuri was going to be a different kind of person at first, but he organically grew into how he is now. Stuff like that is really one of the best things about writing.
Ho-ly... crap...
This... this is awesome. Faved and tracking my friend; I want to see where this goes.
Very nice chapter, and a pretty good story, even though I did hope to see a changeling get thrown into the Metro universe, and not the other way round. Still, nice development.